


shadows settling

by lamperouge



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Canon Divergence, Career Ending Injuries, Day 1: Longing, Gen, Haikyuu Angst Week 2020, Heavy Angst, bonus: tears, i'm rlly sorry, i'm sorry fhkhfkd, tw: injury, tw: knee injury
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-01
Updated: 2020-11-01
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:42:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27335116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lamperouge/pseuds/lamperouge
Summary: The thing with body and mind is that it is very rare for both to be perfectly balanced. It’s a common thing for Oikawa to compensate for the weakness of one with the strength of the other.
Kudos: 2
Collections: Haikyuu Angst Week 2020





	shadows settling

**Author's Note:**

> day 1: longing ft. tears (bonus). 
> 
> crossposted into a thread on twitter: @chihayasaee.

He couldn’t quite forget the feeling of falling in love with something bigger than himself. It’s incomparable to any, and every single feeling he’d harbored towards other people — romantic or platonic. The rush that comes with setting the ball for a teammate, or the feeling of sending a serve across the court that instills fear and admiration in their eyes is something he couldn’t find anywhere else. 

The court and the game are the only two things that could provide this intoxicating feeling to Oikawa Tooru. 

Passion burns underneath his skin, coursing through his veins like a river towards the sea. It’s expelled into the sea with every single toss, serve, spike, or receive that he makes — all guided by years of working his ass off, hoping to quell the burning competitiveness in the pits of his stomach. 

No amount of compliments on his straight A grades, or his other acquired talents could surpass his gripping need to do better in his game — to become the best volleyball player he could ever be. Because he swears that he doesn’t ever want to do anything else. 

The thing with body and mind is that it is very rare for both to be perfectly balanced. It’s a common thing for Oikawa to compensate for the weakness of one with the strength of the other. There are days where his body would give out and he’s running solely on willpower and determination. Even when fatigue hangs over his shoulders like a blanket, he would still emerge with a victorious look on his face. 

Beneath the victorious smirk and valorant exterior, though, are silent cries that all have the same wish: for his body to keep up with his mind. 

It happened during his second year. A wrong landing after jumping to set the ball for Iwaizumi, causing him to fall on the ground with a sharp hiss of pain. A knee hyperextension, according to the school nurse. Oikawa didn’t know what else it could mean, other than the fact that his body is giving out quicker than his mind. 

The pain comes and goes. Some days he would wake up and feel the injury on his knee aching, causing a slight discomfiture when he’s doing his daily activities (volleyball included). But it’s the worst during winter when the cold seeps underneath his skin and into his already fragile bones and joints. 

Every move is calculated after that, in favor of catering to his knee. Normal knee pads are traded in for a knee support on his right knee. He meticulously ensures that every move before jumping is  _ safe  _ and wouldn’t lead him towards any other injury. Better to be safe than sorry, right? 

But when the mind overdrives, the body tends to follow suit. Such is the case for Oikawa Tooru after his first year in Argentina. The frustration of the game got to him and before he knew it, he’s falling down on the ground after a scary pop. He doesn’t have to cry or hiss in pain to know that one of his fears has manifested. 

Reconstruction surgeries cost a lot of money, but it also costs a lot of time. The time it would take for him to fully recover could be a time spent towards practicing his tosses, or his jump serves. Oikawa hates having to set himself back this way, but if it means that he gets to become stronger in the end and play his beloved game again, he’d do it. 

Everything went perfectly well, even the rehabilitation needed for him to go back to playing volleyball. But by some horrible stroke of luck, or maybe it’s a curse given to him by the unforgiving universe, he injures his ACL again. 

This time, he’s been told that he couldn’t play again. 

Oikawa Tooru could never forget the feeling of wonder and determination that dawned upon him when he found himself falling in love with volleyball for the first time. The same feeling is present when he rediscovered that very same love after experiencing every horrible setback known to man. 

But what’s more unforgettable than falling in love with something bigger than himself is having to give it all up while watching everyone else who shared the same dream with him forge their own path but still containing the same goals and ambitions. 

Every pain in his right knee is accompanied by longing and regret — that maybe he should have exhausted all efforts just to make sure that his body and mind are on par with each other’s strengths. The physicality of said pain transcends more than just the boundaries of his body. It works its way into Oikawa Tooru’s mind until he’s left with nothing but wishful thinking, followed by a recollection of bittersweet memories of his short-lived dream. 

Oikawa Tooru rarely cries, but the tears fall on the lid of the box containing all of his volleyball gear from his childhood to adulthood. He seals the box with heaviness, like he couldn’t breathe even if he tried to suck in all the air from the room. All he could hear is the sound of his own sobbing the moment he lets the box slide underneath his bed and into the darkness. 

In the end, there is no one to blame but himself. 


End file.
